Insecurities and what about the near future?

Great question. I was somewhat inspired to write about this by a status I saw on facebook about questioning yourself.... This is probably just going to turn into me talking about the future, but we'll see. In February of this year, God said to me: "You're more secure in your illusion of control, than you are secure in My love" And I'll honestly say that it's been the story of my life. Over the past year it just kept coming up everyone. God's been challenging my faith. Do you really love me? Do you really believe I'll do what I say I'll do? I doubted Him alot. But ultimately, it was because I doubted myself. I remember telling me about something amazing he was going to do... I actually don't remember what he said, but I remember my response because I left myself in shock for a while. I actually told God "Ha, how you gonna pull that off?" in this total disbelieving manner, which instantly turned into disbelief of what I was saying.... I just questioned God's sovereignty - which is such a unquestionable thing in and of itself.

Anyways, to get back on track here. I've been slowly flushing out insecurities - well actually, it's more a process of becoming secure than removing and insecurity. So I've been learning alot about them, but of course I still deal with plenty on a day to day basis.

So, what's an insecurity? Primarily, doubting yourself, or anything you're not confident of. Now, they're not all bad, in fact in alot of cases they're a good thing. For instance, I'm not much of an artist. So if someone wanted me to paint a picture of them, yeah I'd be insecure. If I wasn't, and in a dead serious manner handed them my masterpiece, I'm sure I'd get laughed at and perhaps get my feelings hurt. So that's an insecurity. However, realistically that's just knowing my limitations. So the real insecurity, is fearing what people will think of my art instead of being secure that I'm just not an artist and that it doesn't need to bother me.

Ok, so back on target here. Over the past few days I've done a little freaking out about my future. All the bombarding questions regarding of what do I do with the rest of my life. It's hard enough asking myself these questions, then I get the joy of my parents along with the rest of the world grinding at them. Just the past few days, the questions I've been thinking about are what to do right now. Last Thursday I had an emotional breakdown followed by this incredible uplifting encounter with God... all in about 20 minutes. But the take away, was God closing a season of my life. Which was a very freeing feeling. However, I don't really know where the next one starts or how. But I know life is different. So I've just been insecure about my future, and what to do in these next months. So I drove my brother and sister to this leadership training meeting for middle schoolers and highschoolers at my church, and I decided to sit in on it. The amazing Dar Draper (I love her, she's just awesome) was speaking about love and brought up this verse:

Phillipians 3:16

¹⁵All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. ¹⁶Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

And It was just this incredible reassuring feeling, that all I need to do is whatever he wants from me in the moment, and He really will take care of the rest. But it was combined with this challenge, to actually live up to what God's entrusting me with. To use all the space I have... to make better use of my time. So that was cool :) BUT to top it off, God kinda gave me this thought, which sparked a picture of the possible future, maybe even the near future. And it was just.... WOW.... yeah God, good point. So maybe I needed to realize what I did to give me the security about my future that I needed. But the funny thing is, the bigger the picture you have, the more questions there are to ask. So really, all I want from God is what I need. Nothing more, and definitely nothing less.

Well, I think I'm going to try to get back on course to analyze insecurities just a little more in a practical way before signing off for the night. Here are a few things I've done when insecurities have come up. If I feel unequipped, or like I don't have the knowledge, I start studying and looking for answers. Really, the best to do is find out what God says about it, and find out what he says about you.  If the insecurity contradicts what God says, then you have a reason to put your trust in God and bite the bullet. Heck, since I'm already heading in this direction, let's take a... congruent detour of sorts...

If you fail to identify the lie, the lie will identify you.
-Brian Mahiques

The devil will throw alot of lies at us. For me, I've dealt with plenty of shame, feeling worthless, and inadequate. All of which were lies. But because I failed to see them as such, they adhered to my identity... which was great at accomplishing making me insecure.

Just writing this makes me acknowledge even more, our need for a Savior. How we are nothing without Jesus Christ. How His love is what brings total security... pretty cool to think about :) Bottom line, life is just easier when I'm not the center of the universe. If it was, well, it would be a pretty jacked up universe. And there'd be nothing and no one to guide me. I'm definitely into this God centric one though. He has ALWAYS worked things out for me. And with the present and future issues, I trust Him to keep working stuff out. God is unchanging.

Night everyone,
-Bander